Valentine-in'

I never went mountain biking on Thursday. Instead, I ended up drinking a Cosmopolitan at a local hangout with my friend. Oops. Less healthy, but relaxing all the same. I'm here now at school on Valentine's Day watching all the things that kids who are 12 and 13 do when they are "going out". I think it mostly consists of sitting next to each other and not getting any work done.

Earlier, I had a conversation with my 8th grade girls about boys, relationships and teasing, and one girl who is sort of shy and thin but totally beautiful said that all boys are interested in right now are "boobs and butts" and she feels like she's un-check-outable. I first told her, (and was backed up by girls with boobs and butts) that those aren't the sort of boys you want to have check you out anyway at this point in your life. I also told her that I think that constant focus on T&A is a lot like when little kids first start talking and you can't get them to stop because they've just discovered this power. Boys have likewise just realized they can spend time thinking about "boobs and butts" along with the other stuff they used to think of, so therefore think of them all the time. I don't know but that seems right.

I got my Alice in Wonderland scripts written, for the most part. I'm anxious to start rehearsing with the kids and see it this thing can take any shape once I add actors into the mix.

I'm a bit blue on this Valentine's Day, but my husband seems to have a surprise in store for me. I hope its sweet.

stalling

So, I took the day off from teaching today, and I'm sitting in a local cafe watching people as they file in and out on their way to other things. Right now I am supposed to be adapting a script for the version of Alice in Wonderland my 7th graders are going to put on in late April, but instead I am listening to Tori Amos and staring out the window in between writing this.

It is really hard for me to actually get into putting this script together for some reason. I'm just not very excited about it. Last year I directed my 7th grade class in Our Town. An audience member said after last year's show that my kids performed the Thornton Wilder classic with such grace and beauty it made her only want to see kid acted versions of that play forever more. They did do a great job, and it was all about them being able to shine, but with class and elegance. They were beautiful. Nobody thought they could pull it off either. It was easy for me to work with them though because I really have quite a love affair going with that group from last year who are now 8th graders. When they leave the school in a few more months, I swear I am going to have to drink heavily or get on medication to cope with the loss.

Uh oh. Parent alert. I feel so busted. Here I am taking the day off and one of the parents from my 7th grade just walked past. Im sort of ducking behind my laptop right now. O.K., he's getting his coffee and leaving. Close one.

Well, enough stalling. I am off to cut, splice and create. If I do it quick, I can get out and enjoy this beautiful springlike day in Nevada City before its too late, hopefully riding my bike and avoiding mountain lions. I'm deathly, irrationally afraid of them jumping out of nowhere and attacking me, dragging me off into the woods to become another tragedy, but I can't let that stop me.

February sucks.

I don't know why, but as much as I work at it, I can't make February feel like a successful month for me. In terms of teaching, I'm totally burned out. Even though we have had Christmas break and everything, it just feels like I'm in lock-step mode right now and nothing is inspiring me. Today in my Pre Algebra class, I got so frustrated early on that I had to stop everything and "start over". When we "start over" (which happens periodically) the kids and I set down all our things and walk out of the building, stand outside the front doors of the school and take three deep breaths before walking back in and literally starting the entire class over. I felt better after doing that today, but I think I'm going to take tomorrow off. I seriously feel like I could (and maybe should) sit and stare out a window for hours.

I have to say that this last weekend was fun, because my band played at a local bar. Sadly,we didn't get paid though, because all the cash we made had to go towards the release of our third cd, which will finally happen in June. I did have a hanger-on try to follow me out to my car after the show (score!), but my friend/bandmate walked me out so I felt safe and all was okay.

I was asked, this weekend, to be part of another band which has people "my age" in it. I'm honestly flattered and surprised by this. They are going for a Blondie type sound and I would get to be the lead singer instead of doing backup and occasional lead like I do now. I'm thinking about it, but the band I'm currently in feels like such a sweet 12 person family, I would hate to leave it for the unknown.

I don't know, sometimes I'm not sure if maybe I, at some point, when I'm out of debt, should leave my teaching job and try to make it as a singer though. I could volunteer in my daughter's class during the day and play the occasional gig at night. I wonder if February would still be as lame as it is now if I was a rock star?

Beginnings

Okay, I'm not totally sure why I decided to do this, but sometimes after a day teaching seventh and eighth graders at a fun, semi-hippie art school in Northern California, I have to share some of the crazy things I see. I also periodically like to write down frustrations I have with my own view of the world, which I have come to realize lately is a little naive for a girl my age. So, I am starting this blog at the end of my school day, typing away in what I call The Depths. The Depths consist of the dank bottom floor of our school, which houses the 8th grade classroom, my classroom and the assorted rooms for dance classes, music classes, and the like.

My classroom currently resembles a hamster cage (not surprising), and I am sitting amongst the crumpled bits of paper and abandoned sack lunches, watching students as they file in and out in the daily ritual known as: Looking for Things They Forgot (those things never include the sack lunches, mind you). What is strangely fun about this is that they don't always realize I'm here, so it's entertaining (yes, it is) to listen to them talk to themselves, chide themselves for what they forgot, and, as was just the case with one of my students, freak out completely about losing a textbook he needs for his homework, only to find it on the desk behind him seconds later.

As I sit here, watching students, I can't help thinking of how proud I am of my own student, my little 8 year old daughter who gave her first real oral report through her mouth full of missing teeth about African Savanna animals to her 2nd grade class today. Since I work at the school she attends, I have the luxury of being able to temporarily walk away from middle school into the sweet world of second graders and have a Hallmark moment with my husband watching our child reach her latest scholastic milestone.

I have other things on my mind too, as I hide down here in my classroom, which mostly have to do with how I am going to jam home as quickly as possible after my girl's jazz class, make dinner for my family, and then go to the rehearsal I am supposed to have with the band I sing in. We have been together for about a year, and we play high energy "danceable" world beat music. I like it, even though I was more of a punk rocker back in the day. Our band is a pretty successful one in our town, meaning we get lots of gigs and we actually make money for playing music, which makes me happy. However, I am currently going through a real period of self-loathing in terms of my singing, having just watched a video of said singing from a New Year's show we did. Oh man. If you have never watched yourself on video, you should, so that you can have the experience I did. It's sad- that night I felt all sparkly, fun, beautiful, and "in full voice", but the video tells a different story.

I guess it isn't that bad, because I get a lot of compliments, but sheesh.

So, this is my patchwork life, a series of swatches that I try to sew together to make something meaningful and fulfulling and beautiful. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. In this blog I will share it all, hopefully with pictures soon.