On Remembering

Sometimes, there are memories of those who were once extremely close to you that will take you right out of the life you are currently living and smack you in the face with the sweetness of what was. You almost forget why you are no longer close to them anymore. As you piece together the past, remember the mistakes you made, all the selfish decisions that you blindly followed through with and loss that accompanied it, you try to remember how you got to the point where you threw it all away and learn from it. But,

you can still only feel sad for what once was.

Stepping Stone

Look at you. You got what you wanted. In spite of me being a horrible person (or maybe because of), you got the yoga, all those animals, the cycling enthusiast to share your passion, and the new life partner. Pretty good deal for you if you ask me.

Ghosts

Lately this little guy has been in my dreams every night. In the dreams I'm always petting him and he is assuming his usual position on my lap waiting for his back massage. I miss him and the person he was attached to dearly but will never see either of them again. Not because they are dead, but because I killed our relationship. It still makes me sad.

Opening Night!

The Tempest opens tonight. Emma and I get to go be all "spirity," my BF gets to go and be hilarious, brilliant and eyeliner-y. I have no idea how this will go. I kinda just want to stay home, have a glass of wine and watch the internets go by.

Dez

Desmond looks pretty good in that chair. It is hard believe he is barely a year old now. The most gigantic cat I've ever had. I've heard that Russian Blues are like that.

Pug Love

As I mentioned in my previous post, I got a dog in the last year. It is five months into our relationship now, and I have to say that I am totally smitten with this little guy. I have never owned a smaller dog, but I always wanted one. I settled on the idea of a pug after several years of looking at different small breeds and researching their personalities. Also, once, when the internets were young, I took one of those quizzes (now all over Facebook) that tell you what type of dog you would be. The quiz told me I was most like a pug.
Emma and I got the dog from a nice guy in Yuba City. I was drawn to him because unlike his brothers and sisters, Felix did not have a tail because his mom bit it off while trying to deal with the amniotic sac or something. I think he looks great without the classic pug curly Q tail, and it makes him more unique. He has taken to apartment life pretty well, although it does help that we have a giant field across the street to run and play in.
I hope that I can do right by this dog and that in him I will find a good, long lasting furry companion.

My life since February 2010:
I...
Played a tiny part in a large production
Went to Chicago
Learned about birds
Took a really fun road trip
Spent a beautiful, idyllic summer at a gorgeous lake with an amazing group of people whom I will never see again.
Got super tan
Transported birds in a boat in driving rain and wind
Played a somewhat larger part in a crazy production
Fell in love rather unexpectedly
Got fully, completely and irrevocably divorced
Hurt someone so deeply that I will likely never speak to them again and regret that very much
Had some of my best friends in the world declare that they were done with me and end our friendship
Began toying with the idea that I may have a mental illness
Continued to raise my daughter
Cleaned my apartment (several times)
Met new people
Began working with a group of young, talented comedians
Reconnected with friends from years ago
Got a part in a musical (June 2011!)
Fell more deeply in love
Got a dog
Started running
Had someone declare their love for me loudly to passers by
Almost lost my job (jury is still out on that one)
Had some of the most amazing and romantic moments ever in my lifetime
Laughed a lot
Cried a little bit more
Stopped wanting things I could not have
Continued singing and performing

...and here I am a year later with yet another small part in a large production.

It feels like I have come full circle in some kind of way. I had to put it in clinical terms like this to distance myself a bit from the "living it" part. I have learned a lot about myself in this past year, and many people have also in turn learned about me. At least they think they have learned about me. Who knows what is really going on. I think that what is finally happening is that the part of me that was always trying to be the ideal for someone else got bored and decided to just start living. It was rather inconvenient and horribly messy and destructive for those who were (or thought they were) close to me, but in some sense I guess it had to happen. I am terribly sorry for the way I hurt those who loved and cared about me, but all any of us can do is move on.